before i give back, i gotta get drunk
by 2olluxampora
Summary: Without even knowing it, the boy had given him a reason to live, helped him see a little bit of the good in humanity.


**Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments)**

 **Snape Appreciation Weekend – Spy**

 **Song Lyrics Challenge Round #3 – line 7**

 **Warning for murder and drinking. Title from Kinda Outta Luck by Lana del Rey.**

* * *

 _Before I give back, I gotta get drunk_

Cleaning charms, though excellent at removing any trace of a stain, couldn't completely remove the stench of blood. It sank deep into the fabric, an undeniable reminder of what he'd done. What he was. This was nothing new, though. Severus' face remained impassive as he walked up the front steps from his Apparition point, not betraying a hint of distress. It still hurt knowing the crime he'd committed, that he'd taken another life after vowing to himself that he'd never do it again, but at least it was for a good cause this time.

Locking the door behind him, he took a slow, measured breath. He may have just signed his own death warrant. Even the tiniest slip-up could lead to someone realizing he'd been the one to do it, and then, there wouldn't be any saving his cover.

Severus paused in his bedroom, looking at the few photographs he had displayed. Lily, young and happy in all of them, oblivious to her ultimate fate. And, off to the side, nestled in a corner, her son with his two infuriatingly loyal friends, huddled together and looking like any other group of students, not people hopelessly embroiled in the midst of a war. It had been taken by the Creevey boy, he believed, and if he'd happened to find it on the floor of his classroom, well, there was nothing wrong with picking it up.

In the photo, Potter turned and smiled at him faintly, green eyes impossibly bright. He had to protect him. He'd promised. And God, had the boy ever had a mentor who hadn't either abandoned or mistreated him? He was among those who'd treated Potter unfairly. Severus knew that, but what other choice did he have, when he needed to keep up appearances as a loyal Death Eater? He could help Potter, no, _Harry,_ in different, less obvious ways.

Like killing the Death Eater who'd been following him through the streets of Little Whinging.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment, forced up his Occlumency shields, but he could still see the deep gashes crisscrossing the man's body, the blood pooling on the floor. Sectumsempra was a grisly curse, but by avoiding the Unforgivables, he could pretend that he hadn't done quite so much damage to his soul. And besides that, a part of him had wanted the satisfaction of using his signature curse that afternoon. It allowed him to leave his mark on the situation, prove (if only to himself), that _he_ had done what needed to be done to keep Harry safe.

Opening his eyes again, he summoned a bottle of whiskey and a glass, sinking down into one of his favorite chairs.

"Fuck," Severus muttered under his breath as he took a sip, the alcohol burning his throat on the way down. He'd never truly become desensitized to that kind of extreme violence, he was just a good actor. Alone, and thinking of how much Harry hated him, it was even harder. Without even knowing it, the boy had given him a reason to live, helped him see a little bit of the good in humanity.

Eyes stinging with unshed tears, he tossed back the rest of his whiskey before pouring himself another.

This was a fairly regular routine for Severus, and so he was far from a lightweight. It took awhile before he started to feel the effects of the alcohol, and by that time, he'd had ample opportunities to think over the day's events. Perhaps he could give back to Harry in some small, more tangible way. A sort of thank you for...for what, really? Making his life even more complicated? Surely committing murder was thanks enough for anything he could've possibly done for him.

Crossing the room once again, Severus sneered at the teens in the photos as he duplicated the ones he had of Lily. He hated the spark of affection in his chest motivating him to do this, the desire to simply provide for Harry in a different way than the others around him. Perhaps he could understand a little of what Black felt for him.

Almost reverently, Severus tucked the newly created images in an envelope for Harry, jotting down a quick message and adding that too.

" _You may find these interesting. SS"_

Nothing more than that. Even drunk, he couldn't stand to make himself too vulnerable. Good deeds done for the day and head pleasantly fuzzy, Severus kicked off his shoes and crawled into bed, still fully clothed.

Harry was still grinning at him from the bookshelf, and it felt a little like a promise.


End file.
